A Fatal Relationship Dynamic (And How To Solve It) – Teal Swan –

A Fatal Relationship Dynamic (And How To Solve It) – Teal Swan –

Hello there most of the negative
dynamics in relationships the ones that are fatal
involve negative tailspins. Essentially a pattern
in one person creates a pattern in
the next person which triggers the pattern and the
first person even worse which exacerbates the pattern
in the second person and this keeps going and going
and going and going until the relationships dissolve one such common dynamic
happens most often between men and women but it can
happen between same-sex couples So I want you to keep
an open mind about this, but I am going to
for the sake of this video assume, this is a
male/female relationship and tell you how
this usually goes. To begin with, a man is
interested in a woman. Because of this he goes
into pursuit mode. He essentially steps into the embodiment
of his best and highest self. This is what we in the modern world
call putting our best foot forward. He is super attuned
to the woman he wants to secure as a
mate, he is goal-oriented. The woman is his new goal And so she becomes his
number one priority. He is focused and attentive
to her needs and wants He’s connected and gets her
undivided attention and presence and simply wants
to be with her. So how does the
woman respond to this? The woman feels like she
has met her soulmate. Oh my God, she’s found
a guy who’s completely 100% committed
totally interested putting all his focus
and attention on her she finally has the
present she desires, and so what does she do? She commits. So what happens the
second she commits? The man hold a baton switch. The man has achieved his goal. So what happens?
He essentially relaxes. He decides to go back to focusing
on all the things he neglected while he was chasing the woman
or even focusing on his next goal. It’s at this point that
he starts to expect the woman to love him
for who he really is. Except that’s not
who she fell for. So there’s a withdrawal of
his attentive focused energy which was at first coming towards
her and towards connections Seemingly overnight he turns
back into who he really is when pursuing
her is not a goal which sometimes entails
exhibiting the exact opposite personality traits that he demonstrated
during the pursuit phase. I must mention that
one other potential for the baton switch during
this point in a relationship is if a man is genuinely
afraid of intimacy Think about like this when
a man is in pursuit mode a woman isn’t
coming towards him, she’s kind of going
away from him He’s pursuing. He’s trying
to get her interested in the minute that
she says yes, That commitment terrifies
the hell out of this guy Because he is really afraid of being
seen being heard being felt. Now, if this is the kind of
guy that we’re dealing with There may be many potentials,
why deep down he fears being seen and heard
and felt so much There’s a potential that
he’s completely terrified that if he gets totally attached that
he’s going to lose the woman There’s another potential that he’s
terrified that if he gets attached She’s going to engulf
his personality He’s going to lose
himself completely. Now this type of the guy can pull
a Bait-And-switch maneuver as well But instead of it just being that
he’s no longer goal oriented towards the woman, he’s
genuinely terrified of intimacy Now again when I use the
word intimacy in this context I am not referring to just sex
because let’s just be honest people can have sex
without intimacy. Intimacy means to see into
someone, to feel into someone, to listen to someone to
completely understand them. It’s to let them into
your internal world. Especially on an emotional level, however, genuine intimacy Involves
mentally emotionally and physically letting someone in
and becoming connected. Either way let’s go back to what
happens at this point in this relationship the man’s averts his
attention to other things He stops the game of securing his mate. Now his attention goes somewhere
else towards his other needs and life. He wants to keep her but seeing as
how she is no longer the end goal, He wants to keep her by doing
things that do not require that focused pursuit, or
deep intimate connection He focuses on providing
other things for her. In a typical modern Male/female
relationship this is usually money All his attention goes towards
things that he believes she needs that do not threaten him or
distract him from his new goals He is no longer attentive to
her actual needs and wants. He is no longer seeing her feeling her
understanding her or connecting with her. It’s at this point that the woman
slowly starts feeling duped. She realizes she’s desperately lonely. this person who
used to chase her used to make her sort of
the goddess of his world, now, is making her feel
like she’s worth nothing she’ll never be the first priority Even though this woman
is starving emotionally She’s not going to be
able to tell the man that she’s starving
emotionally. Why? Because the last thing on
earth a woman wants to do is to walk up to
a man and say: “I need you to be with me and I
need you to want to want me.” That’s not at all
what women want. No woman wants to feel like a man
is giving her attention for her sake. What she wants is to be with a
man who wants to be with her. And do you blame her? I mean imagine a guy walking into a
relationship from the Get-go as he is when the relationship continues. This is how it would go. Hey, babe, I can’t focus on what
I really want to be focused on unless you get off my case, So I’ll focus on you
totally for your sake, so you can get off my case, so I can
focus on what I really want to focus on. Let’s be honest that man
wouldn’t get a single date. So what happens when
this dynamic goes on? the woman starts
feeling really resentful. It is unfair. It’s a Bait-And-Switch. Because of that resentment she
starts getting angrier and angrier, until she’s angry all the time. The anger of resentment that
he feels coming from her, makes him really confused. After all he’s not actually consciously
aware that he’s pulled a bait and switch. He’s just being himself. He doesn’t understand that you sold
himself as a completely different person than he’s being right now. And so, because he’s so confused,
and he has no way to make her happy because he’s being himself and trying to do everything right
according to his conscious mind, he has no other
option but withdraw. He does not understand that
he is giving her no presence. No real intimacy.
No connection. He thinks that being on the computer
in the same room is being with her. That working on making
money is working for her. So, essentially he interprets
the things he does, as being connected to her. There is always a higher priority in
his life than just being with her, and so he feels like he’s
doing everything he can To try to make her happy
and it’s never enough. It isn’t enough because it isn’t
what she is actually asking for. what she is asking
for is a non doing. It is being present with her like
she has with him in the beginning, when all he wanted
was to be with her So like I said man feels powerless
to making the woman unhappy. What does he do
to cope with this? Because it’s starting to
decrease his self-esteem when he can’t make his partner
unhappy, is he withdraws. Now it’s at this point that the
couple goes into a tailspin. His withdrawal makes her
feel more and more starved more desperate and therefore
more resentful and more angry. Which makes him feel,
more like withdrawing. Which makes her more
desperate, more needy, more starved, more
clingy and more angry. Which makes him
withdraw more. can I keep going? Do you see how this cycle
goes? This is a tailspin. Now here’s the painful part; if this dynamic continues,
there is no other way for the relationship to
go and to dissolve. The only way to pull a couple out
of this tailspin is to add back what was removed for them to go
into a tailspin and that is intimacy. Now I’m going to get
aggressive with you and tell you that if you’re
in one of these tailspins No less than four hours a day
of solid intimate connection. This means you stop the
things that have to be done, and you spend complete
focused attention on just being connected
to each other. See into each other,
feel into each other, understand each other give
each other undivided attention Learn everything you can learn about
the other person on that specific day. Now, if you’re in one of
these relationships where when I just mentioned the
idea of four hours spent in perfect attunement
with your partner, and you started feeling a little antsy
that’s a little bit of a problem you should probably look into. now sometimes when
I say this people go: “Oh my God that’s going to
be so incredibly boring. I don’t even know
what to do.” It wasn’t born when
you were first dating. Why is that? Because
you think this person. Now this is the reality check for you.
People are in a constant state of flux. Even if you think you know
the various personalities the multitude within the person, emotion shift on any given day. So a person is never the same
from one moment to the next. So you can’t actually ever
truly know someone. So I want you to start to approach
people with this attitude. Especially if this is your partner. “I never know who this person is
going to be on any given day.” So every single day
is an exploration. Now here’s the thing; If you are dedicating yourself to
pulling yourself out of the tailspin by doing this deep intimate
connecting on a daily basis, I am only going to allow
you to do something, meaning hike together,
or swim together, or watch a movie together, if you are able to do in a
state of constant connection. Now for those of you who
are super super confused with what the hell
that just meant, I want you to think back to when
you were first dating this person. Let’s say that what you did on your
first date was to go out to a movie. Chances are you weren’t fully
engrossed in that movie. Chances are you spent your
time looking over at her and the way that the light
reflected off of her face. You could feel her next to you even
when you were watching the movie. that is a state of connection. Chances are if you went out and
played a billiards game together same goes for that. even though you were focused on maybe
hitting the ball you had a part of you that was dedicated the whole
time you were doing that to her and what
she was doing And how she was feeling.
You were attuned to her at the same time
as you were doing. if you are not capable of doing at the
same time as remaining in connection. I’m going to tell you
that you cannot do. You have to literally sit down
face to face and make your ONLY practice being with non-doing and
connecting with that person. So here’s another
way of looking at this; You in order to have a
successful relationship, have to continue to play
the game of pursuit even after you have achieved the
goal of getting the relationship. You as a couple need to begin the
art of connecting with each other. Now if you want to learn how
to connect with someone, watch my video on
YouTube titled: How To Connect With Someone Look if you’re a guy, and
you struggle with presence to the degree that you’re
severely goal-oriented You may need to make
a different end goal, that involves the
woman in your life. A goal that you can
never fully reach, or a goal that’s renewed
every single day. For the sake of those
of you watching I’m just going to assume the majority
of you are not in relationships because of the things
you do for each other. you’re more in a relationship because
you genuinely wanted to be together So let’s assume that
you’re in love right? If you’re in this kind of a relationship
the things that have to be done, whether it’s work or
whatever, those things that pull you away from
deep intimate connection. They’ve got to be in a box. The best way to put them
in a box, is scheduling. Saying this time is dedicated
to this and then it stops. And this time is fully
dedicated to my partner. But I do have to say that the
minute that this becomes a chore, essentially giving time or spending
time with your committed partner, you really need to
be asking yourself why it’s such a chore. What would you rather
be doing instead? And if you would rather be doing
so many other things instead, what the hell is the point
of having a partner? It’s highly unlikely that I’m going
to get my way any time soon. But if I have my way, there would
be no such thing as a dating game. It’s kind of said that we feel like we
have to put our best foot forward because we can’t be loved for anything
other than our best foot forward. Because we do people into relationships
with the wrong people when we do this. And it takes us three months to figure
out who the other person really is before breaking up because we
don’t actually like that person So my suggestion is to enter into
relationships as you intend to continue. Or you’re dating behaviors or
dating phase of the relationship, needs to continue for the
duration of the relationship. So assuming that you got into
a relationship where you genuinely love that person. where you want that partnership. And a partnership that is based
on more than just what you do to create a life together. The number one most important
thing that you can do for and with each other is time every day
where you are deeply connected. Where you are seeing into that person, feeling into that person,
listening to them, understanding them,
becoming an expert on them. Undivided attention. Have a good week. Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte Subtitles by the Amara.org community

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  1. Hi Teal,  I just love you. You are wonderful and I totally can relate to what you are talking about. Too bad that in relationships, this connectedness goes away….that would be 80% of what one really Needs…. besides having a nice life and getting the day and work done. Tja…  Thanks soo much as always for being here for us all.  Namaste.

  2. Teal reviewed relationship dynamic from female perspective as she understands it best. From the male perspective when woman becomes mother she devotes most of her attention to the offspring. Man just needs to understand that and 4 hours of undivided attention is an illusion. So, during my 25 years of marriage my wife and me spent 1 year in "predatorship game" and remaining 24 in "let's focus on the kids now mode". He comes back in her perspective again when offspring leaves their nest. As I am slowly returning back to my wife's perspective does she expect me to return back to "predator game"? Hopefully not as Teal could not explainto me what needs are to be actually met by a man – predator. Sorry Teal, this clip was a miss although I really appreciate your work and other videos.

  3. great vid great n helpful content but that background noise is getting annoying n detracting from the speech. natures great but not when you're trying to listen in this case haha 🙂

  4. I can see where you're coming from. but as a man. I have to ask where are the step by step what a woman does in a relationship? could it be that she is cursed and the happily ever after State of Mind? unable to ever know what true love is. because if it's not always rainbows and butterflies then there's a problem. all I'm saying is there are two sides to every coin. and I believe you're harming a lot of relationships by placing all the blame on the day male. you should not try to put all your energy into fixing someone else when you should be focusing more on yourself.

  5. 3:27 ok what nonsense are you on? that made no sense. women aren't goal oriented toward men in a relationship they are goal oriented towards themselves isn't that a fatal flaw as well?

    5:18 don't you think that's the problem

    6:15 its unfair for the men too

    6:56 same thing with women, simply being there is not enough you have to initiate love/intimacy/connection

    13:23 Even women can't keep doing what they were doing at the dating phase. Imagine living in the same house as your significant other and coming home from work only to go to the washroom for 2 hours(or longer) for makeup everyday(mind you, you are not leaving the house). how long do you think most women can keep this up?

    Bottomline: both sexes came to the relationship to BE with each other not for the female to be constantly pursued by the male. At the end of the day we are humans, men pursue women because they want to be spoiled by the woman they're pursuing and women like being pursued because they want to continue being spoiled by the man that's pursuing them.

    We form relationships to be spoiled , therefore both parties need to initiate love/intimacy/connection .

  6. Suggestion: you might want to talk about what the woman needs to be doing differently or change the title to "how men cause fatal relationships" Also there's a flaw in the argument: You suggest at the beginning that men are putting their best foot forward (and therefore should really just be themselves). But then conclude by saying that men need to continue this same approach throughout the relationship. This is inconsistent. And I disagree. What I would suggest is to view the male and female dynamic as mutual and not one directional. I like Ekhart Tolle's observation which is that we are whole by ourselves and don't need someone else to make us feel whole. It's when we fall into the trap of believing our partner is supposed to be our "other half" that things fall apart.

  7. Why is it the man always pursuing the woman and never the other way around? Is it because men are so worthless and women so worthy that women have no interest in pursuing men while men do in pursuing women? Teal, we really need a video on that.

  8. I get bombarded with other gurus calling you fake, Teal. But the truth is, every video that you produce, that resonates with my life, works!!! You have so much insight, it can't be wrong says my personal discernment. Thanks for your light and I'll pray for those that worry more about what you ARE doing than what they SHOULD be doing. Namaste, beautiful

  9. Perfect; you just described my dad. He left my mom for a hooker & gave her kids the world. He was married to his 8th wife when he died (I quit speaking to him in 1995). he had his vasectomy reversed, but the baby was of a completely different race. So, this 17 year old now has 2 million in a trust fund & I'm disabled, living on social security.. Pffft! What's money?
    Thanks heaps – you're so much better than the 16 years I spent with a shrink.
    Much love!

  10. honestly if you as a woman would say you need him to be there with you emotionally the only thing you will hear from society are things like 'dramatic' 'needy' 'clingy' 'attention seeker' 'you dont have a life' but honestly can you blame us? especially when at the start you are SO emotionally present and there for us, but then you just suddenly STOP doing that without any warning and stop wanting to get to know us more and more? Especially the questions, they just stop. Its as if they dont even care anymore about what you like, what you dont like, what your dreams or interests are. It becomes very, VERY lonely and feeling unwanted and undesirable. But also unlovable because now youre clingy and needy. Thanks, that doesnt make it even worse or anything. So what do we do after having screamed for attention? we het ANGRY cause we feel BETRAYED and NEGLECTED. What do we get? even more comments that we are acting hysterical. And can I say what is it with dudes that they always prioritize their shitty friends over their partner all the time and in a heartbeat? you clearly should've dated them instead of the woman lmao

  11. you right but comunication is first in woman's to men's , is hard to think what are woman's. needs. and when woman's explain to us every feeling happen .with love men's we learn everything and thanks to woman's

  12. When others (Alyssa) go to such extremes to invalidate you public, that's wrong. I know how it feels but who is she? Another human on my prayer list

  13. And then he pulls away …and then she leaves him.. And then she pulls him bak…then he takes her bak.. And so on.. Yea ive been on all these levels

  14. I’m a woman, but I back off when he gets committed. Even if I feel like we have heaps of intimacy. Partly because I feel unworthy, but also partly because I can see him relaxing and becoming complacent. It’s unattractive. And this can happen within a matter of months… some guys relax so fast….

  15. I'm pretty sure woman bait and switch also, I lived with a manipulative covert narcissist, the most charming angel dishonest lying demon,

  16. Teal Swan, you help me remind myself how much of a cynical and pessimistic world view I have when it comes to relationships. I'm not really ashamed to admit this, but due to my own experience and my own self-esteem. I've come to see only the worse in Women. And have at times become very resentful towards Women (internally) you help me get out of this horrible egotistical point of view with the way you explain things. You make me more empathetic to how Women think/feel, I'm just one of many young men who hasn't become a real man yet, all my life i've never had that masculine role-model that taught me how to treat women properly… Your video's have helped me step into my own skin and become a far better person. You are a rare woman indeed. Like a female Ghandi.

    Truthfully, I love women… It's why I get resentful when I don't receive the attention I want. I'm learning… Life is complicated, people are complicated. But you are an absoloute diamond Teal… You save people from falling into very negative patterns of thinking, and I love you for that.

  17. I just met a guy I like & since he’s slick with his game that means I have to be slick with my game too. In order to keep each other interested I assume? Except I’m really conscious so I feel like if I play him “hard enough” he’ll just be obsessed with me and will never leave me.

  18. Oh shit!!! I wish I knew this when I was 25…I could be happily(?) married to one of the Great Loves of my Life. I didn’t treat her the way I should have back then but I’m so happy I know this and can apply it consciously.

  19. Gosh, when I shared an intuitive insight two years ago that suddenly came to me "more being, less doing" (see 14:30 on vid) with my husband he just shot me down in flames and went on an angry rant "That depends: doing what? Being what? I don't think that…" (waffle, waffle) and complete talked me down and over me. We spend all our evenings sat around with him listening to the radio on his headphones and me watching YouTube. I have to admit I feel so lonely, I thought we were soulmates, now I can't see how we can ever be together again. This sucks! :''-(

  20. As i girl, i always pull the baiten switch on the guy, maybe you could even sum it up as intermittent reinforcement but i really want to know which i am.

  21. Lol, this is SPOT ON! ^_^ By the way Teal, love how you incorporate keen observations with straightforward talk, profound wisdom, creativity, analogies, relatable images, and humor.

    Thank you so much for generously sharing with humanity and beyond your soul-igniting, heartfelt teachings in various ways. A lot of your videos have been immensely helpful; you have been a great impact on my life, even assisting me to see the bigger picture whenever I felt hopeless.

    By the way, this is a [email protected]$$ comment that I don't really expect anyone to read, especially you Teal (since you're very busy and you don't reply to comments that I'm aware of). I'm sharing the following as a healthy way of venting, not because I'm expecting any suggestions, answers, or pity from anyone. I trust that I'm becoming more aware of what I've been going through and where I'm currently at.

    Lately, I've been experiencing a strange phase in my life that seems confusing, yet, comforting and exciting at the same time. I'm strongly sensing that my relationship with my husband of a little over 12 years is coming to an end in the near future.

    Money—something that I've been working on manifesting, after releasing the blockages that I've identified so far (related to poverty consciousness)—would definitely be a game changer when it comes to making bold, major changes in my life. I'm trusting that everything will fall into place in Divine perfect timing and order.

    Though our mega roller coaster of a marriage gradually improved since a few years ago (with certain aspects), I've noticed that he's been feeling more like a brother to me than a marriage partner; meaning, I care for him and wish for him to be happy (he's an overall loving being with some wonderful qualities), but I'm no longer attracted to him on all levels (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually), and the mere thought of spending the rest of our lives together seems more daunting than exciting. Btw, I saw one of your videos about this theme.

    I've talked to him about how I felt so many times since we've known each other (13 years), but often times, it seemed like my words (often meaningless to him) went in one ear and out the other.

    So why I did stick around for so freaking long? Because of my own outdated beliefs that no longer benefit me, especially the beliefs that stem from unworthiness, powerlessness, and fear of being alone on a planet that didn't resonate with me (since he's practically the last family member and friend I've had for a while, after having let go of so much in this lifetime that wasn't making me happy).

    Teal, I also saw your video about the rat experiment, so I have no doubt that I was addicted to an unhealthy relationship with hopes that I might experience the sporadic, yet seemingly elusive moments of what felt like some form of love from my husband.

    I've also noticed that I've either been strongly suppressing my true feelings, or I've actually been caring less and less about certain things that bothered me so much about him in the past, like him:

    – often not being emotionally available (unless it's right before him wanting sex, where he becomes lovey dovey all of a sudden); I even started recording these pattern of moments in a journal because he denied it
    – often not being fully present, to include him looking at his piece of electronics while I'm talking to him (he's been doing it less lately; but then again, I don't pay as much attention anymore)
    – not appearing even close to excited when I share a new idea, goal(s), dream(s), or accomplishment with him
    – seemingly on some form of electronics (iphone, ipad, laptop, TV, computer at work) from the moment he wakes up (between 4:30–5:00 am) until the moment we're ready for bed (still on his iphone a couple of minutes after I turn off the lights)
    – often focused on his work-related goals, to the point where he's a workaholic at times
    – becoming distant right after having sex, as though he's like, "I got what I needed, so let's go back to doing what we usually do."
    – gaslighting often (which improved lately after I brought it up a dozen times or so of how it makes me feel)
    – not communicating clearly, more often, and honestly (which also seemed to have improved a little lately)
    – often boring me with practically anything he talks about (mostly related to real estate, what his so-called fb "friends" posts, other stuff about social media, and marketing stuff)
    – often implying how healthy he is with his exercise routine and mostly plant-based diet, though he smokes the worse cigarettes often, and he's been smoking since he was a tween; he adamantly denies that smoking is addictive and says that he just enjoys it

    Wow, I didn't realize I was tolerating so much until I typed away; I'm glad I did. I also noticed that as my senses become more sensitive (due accelerated ascension symptoms/expanding consciousness), I'm becoming repulsed by certain, potent odors (to include BO).

    In the past, whenever my husband came inside from the patio, balcony, or outside from smoking, I could barely smell the smoke, and it didn't really bother me. However, lately, I'm able to smell the smoke on him even 5 to 10 minutes afterwards, and from a distance, which I shared with him.

    I'm strongly sensing that Source within—aka Soul/Spirit/Higher self—is basically giving me a heads up that this relationship is, yet, another thing that I need to fully let go of, or else…$hi+ WILL hit the fan like exploding diarrhea that's been clogged up for way too long.

  22. I wish I had seen (and understood) this a year or two ago, before the tailspin ended in a crash. It all makes sense in retrospect. Her reactions, that is. Had I known undivided attention was all it would take to make her (and therefore me) happy, we'd be married now for sure. It seems so easy but I recognise the fear of intimacy I have.

  23. I can’t stop watching your videos… it’s like you have 10 times of a typical humans’ knowledge and life experience being so young. Blows my mind

  24. It kind of has to be this way with creatures that hunt (male) and are hunted (female.)

    It's makes 0 sense to keep hunting the prey when you already got it.

    The best way to change the dynamic is to stop always having the man courting the woman and instead make it mutual where both people put effort into the courting process.

  25. And if the problem concerns woman? If she has so many gaps in her soul and she cant fill them? Man cant keep running because woman cannot cope with her problem…It is a serious possibility isnt it?

  26. Thank teal, my last girlfriend kept me coming after her even after the relationship was "friends". My parents where both distant, she was distant.

  27. Thank you, Teal. I agree, in fact, I dislike the "put-my-best-foot-forward" dating mentality. It lowers the appeal of dating. I want to look my best while dating, yes, however, if I have to constantly monitor myself throughout the day, 1. I won't have any fun on the date, 2. I'll be hypersensitive if any "issues" come up with the internal "monkey" mind constantly asking, how is the best way to act, what should I do, etc. (exhausting really), and 3. I will miss sharing in the silence (the time when no conversation is happening (both minds are still) but you are still connected to other person), those times reveal who we are (i.e. they have the confidence and self-assurance to sit still (this could mean they practice meditation, yes!)). If I have to constantly think and second guess myself, no way, too much work, forget dating, ugh!

    In addition, I feel like calling dating a "game", the dating game, lowers the appeal of dating as well. What "game" do you play with so much at stake, future life, family/friends network, new schedules, new needs, new this and new that. Ahh! There is no game being played. Dating is fun, not a game, but fun and exciting, yes. Why? Because I have a chance to get to know another person for exactly who they are. How amazing is that! Maybe, yes, I may have found a new playmate. Ya!

    To start out dating right, I find that knowing who I am is essential and the other person knowing who they are is essential. In order to know thyself, we both have to be practicing self-love in our lives. Then when we meet we can begin a courtship together (not dating, let's call it a potential courtship instead). We have already ironed out our own inconsistencies (i.e., we both need to be "most" if not "fully" integrated) and can really "meet" each other and, yes, then, we could play a game (like checkers, jk).

  28. Women "bait and switch" too.

    Everyone glorifies themselves. You don't go to a job interview and say you're bad about showing up on time…theyll figure it out eventually lol.

  29. I juat paid for the premium membership and joined Teal's community, after following her on Youtube for almost a year. So wise and helpful. Thank you.

  30. My husband and I were a fatal dynamic , when we met he said he had Cancer, I was obsessed with being a ‘good’ person.
    Fast forward /He never had Cancer, but he did chase me down with his car smashing it into a fence I climbed. I was dumb and recanted my statement, and spent months sleeping in the parking lot at the jail so he could not say I was being a wh#%re. We got married, and things got worse.
    Finally the courts separated us. I was given a suspended sentence for endangering myself. Apparently there is a legal term that states someone is under the influence of someone. If I contact him it will cost $1150.00$ That is what it took, we haven’t been together for almost 3 years. I still fear endangering myself and running back

  31. There is another bait and switch that happens in a committed relationship, when the babies are born. All of the sudden the man takes the back burner and then the woman wants him out making that money because the woman feels the need for more resources. Intimacy goes out the window because the woman is giving it all to her baby and feels she doesn't have enough to give. At that point the intimacy with the man will feel like a chore.

  32. But I did want them, Teal.. why aren't they here anymore? Why should us Men chase like that? Since chasing in my last relationship ended up in my efforts constantly going under appreciated, its only pushed me into a place of more self respect, now I would never disrespect myself enough to chase a woman again.. ever.

  33. How about this bait and switch: In the beginning the female offers crazy hanging from the chandelier sex and LOTS of it too to lure in the male. The man thinks 'this is great, finally a woman that likes sex as much as I do, sign me up'. 1 year in, they are down to 5 times a month from 5 times a week. She has headaches and 100 other reasons. So he pulls back because the constant rejection and lame excuses or even being shamed for his desire for her are excrutiatingly painful. He should send her on her way at that point, instead the stupid stupid man knocks her up, puts a ring on her finger and goes from 5 times a month to 5 times a year, later not even that and locked in a contract with the government for lifetime with the only way out being losing half his stuff.. Talk about bait and switch. Maybe, just maybe he becomes 'emotionally unavailable' over that. Just sayin.

  34. Have you played cards against humanity? That's my favorite, also the lord of the rings edition of monopoly was fun, I haven't played those games you mentioned but I bet it'd be fun

  35. Isn't her background troubled and disturbing? Isn't she damaged goods for any kind of long term relationship as she is scared?

  36. I hope someone reads this and can help me with this. So this video resonates with me to the tea. I have been in relationship where I have been avoidant and loved spending time by myself and do things I like and my partner was the complete opposite he wanted to be with me 24/7 and didn’t want to go anywhere without me. So I broke it off because I felt guilty hurting him when I wanted space and felt like I wasn’t right for him.
    With another parter who was just like me being independent and was fine with being alone I felt perfect alignment at first but eventually it turned out that he would shun me out completely if he felt like it and it would drive me crazy. Then I became the needy one, wanting to be close stalking crying and being miserable until he pulled the plug.
    So I wonder if or attachment styles change depending on the other person?

  37. or maybe an adult who needs 4 hours a day, every day, of constant and undivided attention is too needy?

  38. She wants a dopamine high. It is not sustainable or worth the effort. It is a chore. Enter the C Carousel. Enjoy the ride and hit the wall.

  39. I think this is exactly what happens in my relationships, but it’s because I feel like I do all the chasing and she does none. I too feel abandoned since I have to not only call her all the time but also focus on my work without her help. I tell them to call and they never do it, so I just assume I’m not important to them and just give up to save myself from getting replaced and feeling angry for her betrayal.

  40. I'm sorry, I fell in love with your intro animation sequence, but I don't understand why you had to point out that these dynamics "usually" happen between a man and a woman but "can" happen in same sex couples?

    This video was uploaded in 2017, and that was a modern enough year to understand that virtually ANY relationship dynamic can happen with a couple(s) of ANY self-identified gender / sexual preference without having to set aside "same sex" couples as an option.

  41. When I was younger, I had a very hard time with every relationship I had, it always ended in heartache, on both sides. I was divorced. Not surprising to me at all. Afterwards, I spent nine years single, researching, learning and growing spiritually. One day, when I thought I wasn't ready, I met my future wife. Gorgeous, Brilliant, very powerful. The first 7 months were a living hell. The connection was dwindling, her pain was increasing, and I had physical pain from the emotional wreck I was going through.

    Throughout my life, I have been through a lot, growing up in an extremely christian house, going to combat in the US military, suffering ptsd and winding up in Jail for 2 years for a violent outburst. Needless to say, I had learned to never tell people my feelings or thoughts, to restrict them all. I also felt so deprived, I only thought of myself and my feelings, and everything was the "Me Me Me" show.

    One day, my new wife of 2 months, decided that I needed to change, or she was gone. I knew we were having problems even before marriage, and we got married at 5 months. I had been researching Teal, and other spiritual mentors for 9 years trying to sort all this out. My wife told me I was catatonic. I thought I was talking, but the voice was only in my head. I realized I had to let go, and I told her I would never hold another thought in my head. I was terrified, expecting judgment, expecting insults and disgust at my thoughts. Instead, by sharing all my thoughts with my wife, it released and freed my mind. We suddenly were able to communicate. I started to open more and more. My wife never judged or belittled me one time. She helped me recover my mind.

    Day by day, I was able to recover, and learn more about her, and the "Me" show stopped. After a short while, I realized she saved my life and my mind. For this I was so grateful, that I fell deeply in love with her. Everyday grew better and better. She became the center of my world, my princess. I stopped focusing on my own needs, but on the needs of our family. My my wife always comes first, and 3 months after I was freed, she conceived our second child (our first, my son was from her previous marriage) but he is my son, my spirit. I took the focus off my needs. My family and wife are the most important things to me.

    I could not imagine only spending 4 hours a day with my wife fully in tune and fully connected. We cook together, we clean together, we do business together, we exercise together and we raise our children together and in complete harmony in our raising of them. Because I love her so much, I wanted to make her feel loved every second of everyday, and thanks to this love, we no longer have to work either. Because I had to take my focus off my business and put it on my family, (business took 16 hours a day) now I spend only a few hours a week working, I had to find a different way to make an income so we could spend more time as a family together. And the less I worked, the more time I spent fully connected with my wife and children, we made more money. Now regardless of whether we spend 1 minute or 1 hour a day working, our financial needs are completely met. We live very comfortably.

    I actually thank my wife for this, as my want to put my entire attention on my family and wife did not mean I couldn't make money for the family. On the contrary, it required me to figure out how to make more money with less time spent so I could use all my time and energy loving my wife and kids, which I do happily. Everyday, when my Wife tells me I am amazing, and my step son calls me Dad (entirely on his own will) I am beyond ecstatic, and I wouldn't want to live any other way. They are my love, my life and my glory. Their needs will always be met before my own, and this is why my needs will always be met.

    Even though I feel fully connected, whenever I do have free time, I enjoy watching relationship videos to see if I am missing anything, or anyway to make things even better. I know I will always be learning, and always have room to grow.

    Thank you Teal, you are really special.

  42. No relationship can last without some form of binding power dynamic. Emotions are inherently entropic to a relationship, commitment is required and commitment takes consistent effort, and since emotions are not consistent, they're not something that can secure a relationship.

  43. this is elementary ^o^, but it's classic. it brings me back to what important. currently I guess… to some degree my partner have this problem. I'll do something about it

  44. Sounds like a recipe for codependency. I love most Teal videos I've seen, but this one didn't resonate for the most part.

  45. Has to be a man chasing woman? Or a woman just can invite to this flirt game. You put too much presure on men if it always is his responsibility, and a woman demands everything she needs (without saying). Women can be too needy and not talk want they really want. Why they are presented that they dont have to comunicate their needs (which is childish) ☺️

  46. I am the woman of this story. Should I share this video with my partner to make him understand? And 4 h of attention every day seems too much even for me, who I want attention. It seems unrealistic and unreachable so should I just give up if I know we cant do it in that amount?

  47. Lol you pointed out the main ongoing problem within the first minute. My ex was so insecure in thinking that I would cheat on him that he would freak out if he heard that I had been in a room with, say, a Male classmate or coworker. This made me paranoid about "getting in trouble" by him and so I would lie and hide my activities. I wasn't doing anything unfaithful but I felt like I had to hide innocuous actions. Like one time my coworker messaged me on Facebook asking if I had any friends that we could bring on to the team. He phrased it as, "do you have any other pretty friends we could hire? You're the only girl in the company (it was a small startup)". Certainly weird, even creepy but I ignored it and just said I'll let anyone I know who is looking for a job. Months later, my bf at the time texts me angry asking why I'm talking to this coworker and I'm very confused about why he's angry at me for interacting with my work partner and he asks if we had been messaging me. So I say, yes, about work stuff and we are polite but that's it. He then request screenshots of our messages so I send them, cutting out the part where the guy called me pretty because I knew it would set him off. Well, turns out he had gone through my messages and I got it even worse now that he knew I had deleted the message in which this guy implied that I was pretty.
    He never recognized that he had been putting off behavior onto me that I had never done until I went ahead and did it. He labeled me as a liar but punished my honesty so I became a liar.

    I put up with this for 4 years expecting him to grow out of it because we were 18 when we met. It lessened so he did, somewhat, but other toxic things came up that you've talked about. I immediately recognized that relationship in your analogy about the rat and the pellets in another video. I cut him off yesterday after he accused me of something I didn't do and wouldn't acknowledge or apologize for it. I'm scared and sad but I hope I'll get over it soon.

  48. I wish there was more about what to do if you're on the other side of this dynamic, bc this has been a constant in my life and i wish i knew a way i could adapt to it, instead of just freaking out or getting resentful. Bc lets be honest, is very hard to expect that someone would just show all their vulnerability at once or that this whole exercise can be applied in any situation. Also like you said on the video, is horrible having to tell people that you want them to give time to you (and usually not very effective bc it can come across as just nagging)

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