Elephants and Hens | Black Books | Season 3 Episode 2 | Dead Parrot

Elephants and Hens | Black Books | Season 3 Episode 2 | Dead Parrot

Smoking makes you dead it means you get all black inside and swell up like a whale and explode in hospitals Daddy says criminals and bad people smoke. Timmy, He’s not bothering you, is he? oh not at all no, but I’m afraid I don’t allow ice cream in the shop I don’t have an ice cream. I think Timmy’s telling a naughty fib Outside now. No books for you. I’m so sorry. Not at all. My what a lovely carrot said the hippo. Yes, but is it organic said the fussy rabbit in a squeaky voice Oh Bernard, Bernard, it’s hot in the worm Can I have a break? Well you could but you’d shatter the magic for the lovely children wouldn’t you so no certainly not. No, it’s not organic, said the hippo. Well I don’t want it then said the fussy rabbit ow ow Look, It’s a real beard, I told you Right I’m finished. They’re picking me out for the hen night in a minute. We’re going to a big ol house in the country It’s gonna be brilliant. I very much doubt that since your night begins with the word a hen the prefix of doom It’ll be great Claire Becky Tanya all the old school gang back together. I thought you hated school; you had a terrible time I’ve never said that you don’t have to say anything. I just look at your life now and work backwards Now finish worm – what happened to the rabbit? He starved to death the end Look I could write a better kids book than this this stuff is awful Pretty pictures simple stories something for the little tykes to really enjoy And then they could see the film collect the stickers play the xbox game eat the branded yogurts It’ll be my gift to children kind everywhere Everyone thinks they could write a children’s book. It’s not very easy I bet it is they go for any old rubbish. Children are actually very discerning. No, they’re not. We could crank out any old gumph and they’d lap it up. Not gumph, Bernard. Let’s write a children’s classic you and me together. You two could never do it. I bet we could before you even get back Okay, you’re on I’m back tomorrow million billion pound says you’ll have nothing to show me. Oh the old million billion Why don’t we make it interesting? Why don’t we say 50 okay and another 50 says you had the most appalling excruciating night of your life Oh Friend you forgot your bag Is that enough oh great we’ve got loads Did you bring anything else dr. Death Justice Oh cry I haven’t seen that since our school reunion Oh Yours no um for a good night when there’s a polar bear bleeding on the label Manny it’s been hours. We haven’t written anything you’re not pulling your weight Now agree with me when I’m talking to you Manny Manny. Hello? Back in the worm Don’t want to get back in the worm. Back in the worm But I’ve been waiting I’ve been ready to write for ages. I’ve been waiting for you What I’ve been waiting for you I’m ready. I’m ready We should do some research. Yes, absolutely, we have to know what we’re up against. I hadn’t realized the competition was this bad This is drivel. ball duck umbrella on and on it goes With no hint of plot You know it’s just as good we looked at these now we know just how easy it’s gonna be yeah All right then I don’t think we can do this until we’ve thought a bit about children absolutely Let us consider the modern child yeah What do they want in a book Who cares We’d have to write for ourselves as a children you know when when innocence was legal, when summer’s seem to go on forever and You’d cycle miles just to tell a friend you’d seen a frog When you could play in your backyard with any old thing All I needed was a was a breeze block And a bit of an old bone You could make whole worlds with just those oh, I could One minute I’d be laying siege to a castle with a bit of an old bone on the top there and the next minute I’d be setting sail on a Spanish galleon towards a breeze block Mmm. Come on let’s start yes I’m so happy for you, and your lovely fiancee Now Now Ricky I love you You we’d have known each other for a long time yes was time. There’s no such thing that’s only though don’t interact I Love you all the time hmm No Brides don’t see right Michael Hello just thought you wanted to hit sound of four girls having the best time Yeah, yeah I bet you’re crying on the inside brilliant really very well And remember hundred pounds, and I want cash not forged book tokens this time Becky tell me you’re happy When it gets better Remember this It’s time for a nice game of Truth oh I hate that oh You’ll enjoy more of motherhood cake Please games, okay I Can’t let her win come on to work, right All right, let’s just you know get some ideas bouncing around so to go crazy. You know I know no rules Yeah, sort of anything goes. No! Not anything goes! I said no rules! Right something with a fox no Right What about London pigeon? Oh that’s terrible that makes me cringe no no No, you know something – how about how about how about a mouse now we’re getting somewhere, I’m writing down mouse Now who is this mouse where is he from? Where’s he going? When’s he live? He lives he lives – this had better be good, Manny, better be perfect. Bottle Bank Haha, brilliant And He plays the trombone keep going and He he only eats Licorice. Manny, this is solid gold He his best friend is a panda NOOO no no Awful bilge Child’s poison you stay away from the story. I’ll do with the plot You can do pictures as I hand you the pages Something bright and idiotic, and I will co-write this with myself That’s rubbish! Start again. So what do you think It’s brilliant Might be a little long at a thousand and thirty pages Well we could lose about a page and a half I suppose from that sequence in the summerhouse, but the rest is totally essential the plots interesting Might be a little complex for the three to sixes It’s perfectly simple it couldn’t be simpler. There’s the academic who survived the Stalinist purges and is now having flashbacks to that time There’s his daughter whose long bitter marriage is collapsing around her and that and the journalist who’s investigating the academic because he suspects he was Never in Russia at the time And then he falls excessively in love with the daughter and sacrifices his whole career to become a lens grinder in Omsk What’s the problem, I don’t think we should talk down to children It is it’s it’s so good. I mean I I’m excited I’m very excited about how excited everybody will be when they see it. It is exciting. I just have two teeny-weeny suggestions for changes Which are? Well instead of the Academic and journalists and the daughter perhaps it could be about an elephant an elephant? That’s right I see What’s your other suggestion? well instead of the Stalinist purges and the divorce and the investigation Could be about losing a balloon An elephant who loses its balloon? That’s it But it would still be my story in essence oh yeah my vision completely yes, all right, let’s do that then I told Hugh, Conti River. Hey you the one who gave him crabs These days I can’t believe you kissed my dad Why didn’t you tell us someone stealing clothes from college? I was young you still got my polkadot dress. No. I made it a toilet khuns Hey Ezra playing trees friend I Think you’re a bit jealous hmm That’s why you got us all really pissed and that’s why you’ve made this play you stupid games to bring us down to your level Oh my jealous of what that I’ve got a career And I’ve got a job and a family Okay Are you still the same old auntie Millicent Who’s auntie medicines is what we used to call you because we knew you turn it crazy spits I mean our the dude freaks in the books he Lived in the crooked house with loads of CAP. Oh, that’s right purple cats have you had sex with all When at least I didn’t have a threesome with Mike on the night to the school reunion, oh did I just say Becky we were going to tell you yeah, obviously we’re going to tell you just not like this Becky friendly said soon shut up turn off I Was waiting for the right time to tell me Becky Oh laughs our anniversary or something I’m gonna read it again There’s the elephant he’s happy with his balloon oh, no he’s gone Where is it? it’s not behind the Rhino Look in the alligator’s mouth. it’s not there either oh The monkey’s got it in the tree He brings it back. They all drink lemonade the end Oh Bernard, I feel sorry for the children who grew up before they could read this book Now we are going to be very very rich. how rich, Bernard? Oh? Uncontrollably incontinently rich And Fran would be humiliated. Yeah, see we don’t need this dirty filthy everyday money Success will bring problems. I don’t want to wake up in rehab with sugar What’s the problem? We’re on the pigs back charging through a velvet field There will be pressure for a follow-up people will say you are the elephant balloon guys. It’s been a while Where’s the next one? who cares who cares what our disgusting public think? Then there will be all the houses. You’ll be in your Mystique House, you think oh no where’s my designer underpants? Oh? They’re in my Kong Hong house No, and then there’s the press intrusion the press will they be onto us? Bernard, they’ll hound us like a pack of hounds But I’m not doing anything, I’m just strolling up the beach with my discretely pregnant Brazilian girlfriend And then a boat appears laden with paparazzi, I’ll say you filth Take a photo of me if you must but leave her out of it she didn’t ask for any of this, she’s just an ordinary lingerie model Can’t deal with it. I just want to live in my normal mansion my normal helicopter my normal yacht Is that too much to ask? no Manny, we must undo this thing. what do you mean? it has to go Yeah, you’re right Bernard It’s our only chance of living a normal life Ready yeah, okay This is the right thing to do yeah Mystique’s probably quite nice, but It was it was a big animal like a hippo or a whale Camel, I think even a camel. was it? it had lost something yeah wheelbarrow chest of drawers a microlight I Don’t know Bernhard. He’s not coming back. It’s never coming back. Oh You haven’t written anything No, actually we wrote a very good children’s book. Yes, and then we had to burn it because it was too good. Yeah Of course I understand it happens all the time fifty pounds, please But what sort of time did you have anyway really? it was bliss I Was it was so amazing it couldn’t have been better. It best time in the whole world It was awful. But well the wedding’s off So I don’t have to buy a present hey, I’m up on the weekend Mister, mister, how much is this? Oh see that’s a first edition that’s expensive. I’ve saved up all my pocket money, and I’ve got nine pounds There’s a lot of money yeah, but that’s that’s that’s still fifty pounds, so it’s my favorite book ever. I wish I have 50 pounds Is it really your favorite book ever? I love it. I love it more than anything in the world Wow you I’ve never said this to anybody before okay, but you’re gonna have to get a job You

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  1. when they start talking about the pressures of fame is the best part..lol where have I left my designer trousers? oh no, there in my kong hung house"

  2. I need a Fran Katzenjammer in my life. This is my fav episode of Season 3. Manny and Bernard's connection is the strongest out of the whole series. 2018 and still watch all 18 episodes once a month.

  3. Best episode of Black Books (in my opinion). 👏🏻

    Quite a few are joined in 2nd place (like when Manny and Bernard create their own wine, or the one where they open up their own restaurant or where Manny plays the piano or… damn, I could keep going haha)


  4. Sit down to write a children's book and ended up writing a post-modern maximalist novel: brilliant.

    I can't watch any sitcom without seeing Seinfeld references everywhere. (Damn). It is as like watching a genre bending series and thinking: Well, it's just like that Buffy episode, but Buffy did it better.

  5. Was that freaking "barananarama…something"??… JEESUS I'VE ALWAYS HATED THAT SONG!! 😀 PS. You lock four women in one room – give them booze!… and you expect them to have "A GOOD TIME" ??? XD 😀 I've worked with dozens of women – you put TWO of them together in one office – give'em a task and after ONE HOUR you got yourself a freakin' RIOT! 😀

  6. I thought for a minute that Bernard would give the kid 50 pounds and he'd run of with it but they had a better punchline

  7. "I've never said this to anyone before….you're going to have to get a job."

    Excellent episode. BTW, this is the 2nd time on this tv show that a woman ate a chocolate cake from the side…picking up a chunk of the cake. Is this a woman's thing or a British woman's thing? I have 4 sisters and several female cousins, I have never seen ANYONE eat cake this way.

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