Tara Westover: “You Can Love Someone & Still Choose to Say Goodbye” | SuperSoul Sunday | OWN

Tara Westover: “You Can Love Someone & Still Choose to Say Goodbye” | SuperSoul Sunday | OWN

– There is a belief
in our culture– not just our culture,
I think many cultures– that family is
everything, that it’s the first tribe
and the last tribe, that family is alpha and omega. And you said something
in an interview that I was really
struck by its power, and this is for everybody
in the room who’s watching and anybody who’s watching
who needs to hear it. You said, “You can
love someone and still choose to say goodbye to them.” [APPLAUSE] You said, “You can
miss a person every day and still be glad that they’re
no longer in your life.” [APPLAUSE] I think y’all are clapping
because y’all know that’s the truth, right?
AUDIENCE: Yes. And I think that for a lot of
people that’s a contradiction, that if you love, then you’re
supposed to put up with it no matter what and that if you,
you know, are missing them, then you can’t also be
glad that they’re gone. But, I mean, I think there’s
such power and wisdom in that. I think there was a long
time for me I thought because I loved him that meant maybe
I’d made the wrong decision or because I miss them,
then I would second guess myself and think, oh,
because I miss them it must mean that I’ve
made a mistake. And it took me a really
long time to figure out that, yeah, love is just love. One of the last things
that happened between me and my father the last time
I saw him, he came over and he gave me this
really awkward side hug. And he said to me, “I love you. You know that?” And I said, “I do. That has never been the issue.” And I always knew
my father loved me. Of course I knew
he loved me, and I don’t think my dad
did anything that he did from a lack of love. And I think we do love a real
disservice when we make it about control and power
and changing people, and that’s not what it is. You love people. You give them that
for free, and then you decide whether that’s
something that you want to have in your life. And the alternative is to say,
well, I’m going to change them, and then I’ll have them in
my life, and that’s not love. That’s not what love is. That’s not what it
does, and that’s not the power that it has. So I would say with my own
family, I love them now. I’m estranged from
half my family. I love them very much,
but I’ve accepted the fact that I need them to change
to have them in my life, and whether or not they
change is something I have no control over. And you write that
every time you return to your father’s house, in
your mind you were still kind of that 16-year-old girl and
that your final transformation, you say, it was the one that
allowed you to actually break free from your family occurred
when inside your mind you stopped being the daughter
your father raised and became your own self. I think for me, it
comes down to being able to conceive of
a different thing than the life you
have in front of you. There’s a scripture
that I really like. It’s about faith. It’s my favorite scripture. I loved it when I was
Mormon, and I love it and I’m not Mormon still. I still love it. And it’s Hebrews. I think it’s 11:1. And it says that faith is the
substance of things hoped for– –things hoped for. –the evidence
of things not seen. [APPLAUSE] Church people! Church people. Church people in here! And I think for me there was
one of the things that made it hard for me to let
go of my family was not being able to imagine
any kind of future life that didn’t have them
in it, and I think that’s what everybody does. We grow up in these families,
and we learn certain patterns. And we think that we’re
all liberated and changed, and then as soon as we get
back in that situation, we repeat those patterns. Or worse, very often we
have dysfunctional family relationships, and then
we go out into the world and we find people who will
repeat that pattern with us. Yeah, some people
never leave it. Yeah.
– We attract those people. And I think I love
this idea of faith as a belief in a better
world and a different world and a different life
than you’ve experienced, love that you may not
have experienced yet. But to let go of what is and try
to see what things could be I think of as a really
amazing intersection between faith and
education because it’s those two things together. It’s the ability to
see your life as it is and imagine a different life.

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  1. Letting go of toxic people,PERIOD,IS THE BEST GIFT YOU CAN EVER GIVE TO YOURSELF. and often family is part of the toxicity. Probably the hardest thing to do,is to let go….but..if YOU want to have a chance at a “free,normal “ life..do it AND have NO REGRETS

  2. I wish I had heard this when my mother was still alive. I cut her off for 20 years before she eventually died but had I heard this, I would have allowed myself to be at peace with it and love her from a distance, rather than be angry and resentful. This is some very powerful Oprah! Thank you for sharing.

  3. So true! I'm doing a people series right now on my motivational YouTube channel and this is super true! love it

  4. “You can miss a person everyday and still be glad that they are NoLonger in your life”…. Powerful and True.

  5. Amazing pH D without the nuances
    Of English grammar.😑 Best wishes
    I think abusers have a frontal lobe problem.

  6. I just read Educated…it was heartbreaking, compelling and a testimony to her intelligence and the power of the human spirit…but i cannot help but feel sad and wish with all my heart that Ms. Westover will find contentment and someday peace and resolution with her family.

  7. It took 20 yrs of therapy to lovingly let go of my abusive family and only keep 1 brother. Kept Dad until he died and didn't want to but glad I did. Just can't pretend that we have genuine happy memories to look back at. I have none. So great to hear someone younger and someone older state what I have been grasping in therapy but alone. Not on this scale. I'm lonely but content and excited by life. I keep picking bad men because I am disabled. But this time I pray I have Faith for better or darn it I'm getting a stupid little dog. In Nov.

  8. You love your legs, BUT if you have a growing incurable cancer in one of them, wouldn’t you want it cut off so it doesn’t spread to your body? You still love that leg and will mourn the loss. But would you want it back with the cancer still in it?

  9. I love you, but I don’t want to be around you. In the mean time, I’m going to make my career of you.

    I hope you understand. I do it out of love. Goodbye.

  10. So sad for themselves that individuals leave the church from so much love they once knew. They come back when they realize.

    Most individuals do not have the correct resources concerning The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Professors and Drs in universities find they are wrong. Thousands of books out there are written on rumors and myths and rumors upon those rumors. Individuals are worlds away to the real truth to what they hear.

    Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints go to the direct source Himself- Heavenly Father in faith, sincere real intent, obedience to His commandments to know if the Book of Mormon and Bible are the word of Heavenly Father. Each member receives their own INDIVIDUAL loving warm witness. The love remains daily and tender mercies for our families. No man on earth can give this conviction.

    I testify with every part of my heart and being that Jesus is the Christ, He and Heavenly Father Live.


  11. People are toxic and I love them but I choose not to be around them because they don’t realize how toxic they are. Love is love you have to earn my love

  12. So much truth.I became independent when I was a teenager because I knew I wanted out of my dad's home. I moved to Finland to study 1 year to advance in my life but also be far away from that, then I moved to France and then…since 8 years ago, I live in China. When we go to Spain to visit family, we have to be extremely careful, but now that I'm a mom I take those decisions based on what I want my daughter to not be exposed to. We don't stay in my father's home, I love him, but he has borderline personality disorder and things flip quickly, name calling, hate words, punching doors, kicking you out of his home, creating scenarios that didn't happen in his mind…So we book a room in a hotel, it makes our trips very expensive but is the best for us. Usually my father tries to start with a "I will prepare the home", I follow with a "I already told you that we won't be staying with you but nearby", he continues with a "I can't believe you do this to me" and I end it with a "this is the best for all of us". When he starts with the "I'm your father" thing, I stop talking. Simple. It is the best for everyone.

  13. No Contradictions..All Sooo True!!! Some folks WON'T CHANGE but you have to begin to become YOU..The Negativities cannot exist when you change Positively..Leave them if there Negativity interfere with your Positivity

  14. Our education system today is measuring our students not by how well they gain knowledge and are able to express the knowledge they have gained, but by how well they read and write. Our current education model is not inclusive. But today technology can create a pathway to be inclusive…Recently featured in Forbes-

  15. I hate saying this, but im financialy not capable to leave, Both my father and my bf. If i were independent i could walk away and try to live my truth.

  16. as a gay person I can tell you that many gay people go through this with their families. the love is there but the acceptance isn't. that's why so many have to go out and make or find their own family, if that makes sense.

  17. I miss having my dose of Oprah (1 hour show) regularly. There a special and genuine energy about Oprah that I cannot describe. I really do miss her during this age of Twitter and social media.

  18. Sooo very powerful. You can love people from a distance. We must have peace in our lives, even if that means letting folks go out of our lives. People are in our lives for a season and a reason. There comes a time when seasons and reasons change. Love folks from a distance and keep the peace in your life. 🙏🏽🙏🏽😊😊

  19. Knaw, that's not what faith is. FAITH: The absolute belief of something on bad evidence. That is an accurate description of faith. What Tara is describing here is "Hope" in setting positive goals for one's own future and setting personal bounderies. Not faith. Faith=Bad. Hope=Good.

  20. I was estranged from my family for 5 years. Unconditional love brought us together. People change. Pray about it

  21. This was me with my birth mother. She decided that being gay was wrong. I haven’t seen her in going on 20 years.My dad is my whole world and loves me for me. They are longer together and haven’t been for 30 years and he is my rock! I did imagine and I’m happier now than I ever was growing up.Thank you for this clip

  22. Its easy to love things that are lovely and love us… need to exam our emotion and true definition of our love before calling something toxic.

  23. My familly is so toxic, I had to walk away. For years I tried to reason why ridiculous things took place within our family. I see the younger kids turning out the same as my parents and sisters. I am no where near perfect but they ALWAYS keep negativity at the head of everything. My breaking point was when my mother immediately picked up someone after my father passed away. I realized how cold and callous she is. She always said “I’m doing what I want to do” as if to blame her kids for her decisions made with my father. My daughter doesn’t know them and it’s sad but I can’t take their crazy lives anymore. Walking away was probably the best decision I ever made.

  24. I've learned that we do not MISS the people, we miss what they should feel for us. Love is defined differently by everyone and if they do not CHOOSE us, then we have no choice but to move on.

  25. I struggle with this concept.
    To me, it sounds more like loving who you wish they were rather than who they actually are. That's not love- it's wishful thinking, and that's what keeps many people stuck in destructive relationships. It's okay to not love family members who are hurtful and do not wish to change. I think many people confuse a sense of duty with love.

  26. Yes you can – its hard as hell – it takes a lot of courage – but I fell in love too but it was very volatile

  27. We met away on business. He revealed he was married after he got back home. I led him on for weeks until we would meet again in another city so I could look him in his eye and then take back my freedom of choice. We left the airport and I chose to never respond again.

  28. I disconnected from my own abusive ,dysfunctional family when I was only 17….I am now 56. This video is such a huge confirmation in what I have done and have been doing for years. Thanks.

  29. That’s why Jesus is the “alpha and omega” (not “the family” as you said)- He loves us forever and will never forsake us. His love is perfected and ours isn’t yet. We’re a work in progress.

  30. Dear Oprah ..I love your hair not so puffy😍😘😘🤗🤗…Why still overweight? You have your own farm..eating all organic should make you healthier. . I feel bad that your weight doesn't change to a healthy size…

  31. I’m crying inside. Been with my husband for 22 years, I have never looked at another man or flirt with them but my husband flirts left and right. He even blames me for his rectal cancer. I caused him stress. My son and daughter begged me please don’t divorce dad. He always talks about how the women in his job work so hard but never really gave me recognition when he woke me up to wash and change the sheet at 3 am when her peed the bed (Cancer) now that his strong he works with this woman with my name. So he says I have two ellen in my life. I told him you have ellen the wife and co worker. I want out so bad but no money my heart cries practically every night.

  32. I got bad news… the world is dysfunctional. She gonna end up a lonely old broad if she cuts people out like that. That's not very loving, compassionate, educated…or Jesus like. The trick is to Love people… accept their ugliness, and refine each other through to the finish line… iron sharpens iron.
    That's why families are falling apart in this world… too many "educated" people. Knowing how to cut people off is not educated… it's arrogant and dysfunctional… not functional… it's better to learn how to function alongside those God gifted you to learn from… and teach. Go with the flow if you're truly "enlightened". Don't be a coward. You preach love… show it… start with your family. I believe Mother Teresa said something along those lines. ✌💙

  33. I’m estranged from all my cousins and aunts and uncles due to distance. I rarely talk to my brother due to jealous sibling rivalry on his part, Im closest to my mom and my dad. We don’t have to be close to everyone in our family to show them how loving you are. I learned distance makes the heart grow fonder and healing takes self reflection and time. Take responsibility for how you were raised and find your own path to love. Never forgetting where you came from and where you’re going.

  34. The new spritual stupidity. This is why opioids, therapy and suicides are up. Oh yeah, and the universe has your back too🙄
    Y'all goin' around calling other people toxic as if you're perfect. Finger pointing is a negative act.

  35. eventually we will live in a world that is without family thinking of collective, i have family last and friends first especially the energy of similar the world iis changing I long past for me I agree with this she is saying

  36. 𝐼’𝓂 𝒶𝓁𝓂𝑜𝓈𝓉 𝟦𝟥 𝓎𝑒𝒶𝓇𝓈 𝑜𝓁𝒹, 𝓉𝑜𝑜𝓀 𝓂𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈𝑒 𝓎𝑒𝒶𝓇𝓈
    ( + 𝒫𝒶𝓈𝓉 𝐿𝒾𝓋𝑒𝓈) 𝓉𝑜 𝓊𝓃𝒹𝑒𝓇𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈𝑒 𝓂𝑒𝓈𝓈𝒶𝑔𝑒𝓈 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝒶 𝓇𝑒𝒻𝓁𝑒𝒸𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝑜𝒻 𝒶 𝒢𝒪𝒪𝒟 𝒮𝐸𝐿𝐹 𝐸𝒮𝒯𝐸𝐸𝑀 💞💞💞

    Blessings to All 💯💯💯

  37. I said, "Goodbye" one year ago. It's hard. I have to remember the awful times and the rejection – that's what keeps me away. My heart cannot survive that again. #staygone

  38. "Let's get out of the habit of telling people 'Well that's still your Mom. That's still your Dad. That's still your brother. That's still your sister." TOXIC is TOXIC. Whether it's family or NOT. You are allowed to walk away from people who CONSTANTLY hurt you. You are allowed to."

  39. Unearth another remarkable life story, Oprah: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Pen-Rico-Lamoureux-ebook/dp/B01M3NQ90O/ref=sr_1_1?crid=28BAT3EZQQZKC&keywords=rico+lamoureux&qid=1570938762&sprefix=rico+lam%2Caps%2C655&sr=8-1

  40. So true. I need you to change to be in my life… only you can choose to change. So I can't have you in my life. Too meny people think you have to put of with something because some is your family ect… not true

  41. They take my time for granted, i allowed them to believe im this lonely needy of them person, well not so much anymore. Ive come a long way and enjoy my peace.

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